A phrase I thought of all along.
Each year brought about more and more challenges. Just when I thought last year was already pushing me to the limits, this year proved to me that there's so much more I needed to catch up on.
As I reflected on what I have done in 2019 I realised that maybe, just maybe, if I am more prepared, things may actually turn out better.
1) Decision to take over a car is not easy. While dear and I tried to reason out the need for the car, we realised that we did not use the car as much as we needed to. Yes, it may be because we wanted to send Meiying to and from mother in law's house, but the thought of trying to earn back the car rental fees and petrol costs took over and we ended up not using it to send Meiying to and from Batok. Well. It ended up renting the car cos we thought we needed the car, but no; we only wanted the car. The financial stress bore upon me and I braved numerous late nights trying to earn back the car rentals, trying to justify within ourselves that the car was worth our investment. Ended up in a 挖洞补洞 situation. The last straw was when I barely scrapped another car while moving off from my carpark lot and all effort down the drain. Freaking 3k in excess, and I thought, what am I doing this for? A sudden realisation and a valuable lesson learnt; What's yours is yours; what's not, is not.
2) Career shift. Well I popped the request to my manager and director after much thought. It was a tough decision to make as I was struggling with wanting to stay within the team, and commitment to the family. I initially thought I could look for another job, but was held back by the bosses as they desired for me to stay on as a team member. Sigh. I thought I would break free had I been more resolve. It was the last gate but for some reason I pulled the brakes and agreed to the bosses' request. Tada. Ended up in what they called it "special projects". I don't know what I should call my role, perhaps a Research/marketing/BD/content strategist? Dunno. Anyway, it went lull for a period of time but I'm back into hustle and bustle, thanks (but no thanks) to the usual project that I would never be able to pull myself out from for the past 2yrs+. Fated to see it through though I am SUPER DUPER RELUCTANT now.
3) Family. Things have strained between myself and dear. Not sure if this happens to other couples, but I keep finding myself struggling to keep up with dear's expectations. Maybe I'm not so much of a thinker, I may not be someone with detail, but I still get things done, don't I? Drowning my confidence and self esteem with expectations ended up with a bout of depression. Fortunately it was brief and a counselling session came right in time to stop my thoughts from spiraling downwards. I dare not tell this to anyone, though my managers had to be aware of it through my urgent leave approvals. The monthly counselling session in the later half of the year also helped us through the crucial period. And thankfully I was not that busy at work during those period, and I can commit a little more to the family, so it spared me some scoldings.
4) Financial Status. Thanks to the car, I was deeply in debt, struggling to live pay cheque to pay cheque. As if owing dear and her father money was not enough, I couldn't even start saving until I paid up the excess. I had not bought myself anything the entire year other than recently where my wallet finally could breathe, and I bought myself a new pair of work shoes ( I was still reluctant anyway. Had the shoe not spoil I would have settled for just a sole repair) and a wallet for dear. Hopefully the financial ordeal will be over soon and I shall get started to pay back the remaining debts; I still had a lot of financial goals to achieve!
5) Personal development. Just feeling that I am very stagnant in life. You know somehow when you compare yourself to your younger days and recalled what you had on adults back then, "why so simple yet don't know?" Little did I realise that comment was so relevant to me today. What happened then? I am supposed to be better each day, isn't it? But why am I degenerating...
Anyway I kinda wrapped up the decade on a not-so-good note. Though I cant wait for more happenings in life but I also wish for myself to catch up to an ever increasing pace of life. So that I can enjoy the process instead of dragging myself through the next decade.
人生有几个十年？何不干他一票！
It's been a year plus since I came here! Yeah ikr. It's been too many things going on in my life and I just could not find that time and energy to pop by here. I shall make it a point to come here once in a while to unwind, or maybe brush up on my writing skills. I've fallen victim to so much jargon and Singlish that I almost couldn't find myself that English speaking anymore. To add on I could not even speak proper Mandarin, and having liked Chinese since young that is so worrying.
So, quick update, moved into my new home, quite happy with what I have at home so far. Nice view, lots of natural wind, cool, woody colours in my home, simple yet practical furniture, a baby friendly environment. Just kind of not too used to my kitchen sink yet though, cos it was a tad too low for my height. either I had to bend down a bit to do my dishes or I risk knocking my eye onto some utensils hung on the rack above, cleverly avoiding my line of sight.
And the 2nd baby is on the way! My small family is no longer small; can call myself "Huangster"家族 already! So now staying with 3 girls, when will we have one boy added into the family for the balance..?
Have struggled to save up so much money, to pay my debts primarily. Slapped with a huge debt to my parents + in laws, the stress is only here to stay. Everyday I am praying that my pay cheque doesn't run out before my next one. Sigh. Everlasting worry.
As the year draws to an end, I felt I had come a long way. But I had to tell myself that the road ahead will only get harder. The only easy year is yesteryear. Ugh. Need to psych myself up.
It's getting late. Gotta catch up on my sleep before another busy weekend. Cyaz!