Last month probably was the worst month of my life.
Why am I so timid? If only I had requested to sit down with the team to discuss about the plan. If only I had ensured that the interviewers commit at least 5 times a day. If only I had enforced my rules on them. But it all didn't happen. All because I "don't dare".
And all the if-onlys couldn't have come at a worse time than ever. That surge of emotions really.. could not describe in words. Cried on a lot of nights, nightmares on incomplete work being submitted and feedback given..
I had spent 24 days and nights straight working on, and worrying about the project. Stretched all the way until 3 March. At some point of time I began to doubt my usefulness in the team. Given my character, I would potentially inflict more damage on the projects than I could think of. Would they find out this about me? If so, what would be their action taken? I thought.
I only had 1 word to describe that month - tormented. I felt being torn apart, by clients, by the team, by my wife.
I wonder if anyone would even forgive me for what I had done. If not, I'm prepared.. no choice.
Finally, the end is near. The load of dont know how many surveys was finally lifted off the department grounds. So is my heart.
I have now some time (finally) to take a short break, before the weight of the next project starts to press upon my shoulders..